One thing I’ve learned as I go through life is to concentrate on the positive and never dwell on the negative. It has helped me go through most of the challenges I’ve had to face to get to where I am today. But one drawback to this is not only do I not dwell on the negative, I tend to block it out all together, as if it never happened.
When I posted a throwback of an old office ID from back in my late 20s I focused mostly on the amateurish scrawl that was my signature, approximately 10 times longer than my easily-copied one today. What took me by surprise was the reaction to my photo. Of course now I can see why people might say I was good looking back then. The surprise was remembering how I did not feel that way at all.
Not that I felt ugly. Just that I was not comfortable being myself. And I’m almost certain that came from the opposite of gay pride — shame. I was embarrassed to be gay and afraid someone would come along and expose me to be the fraud that I must have been.
Of course this affected my self-esteem and made me feel less worthy. I did not build strong bonds with classmates.and colleagues mostly by staying away. I even stayed in a dysfunctional relationship for the longest time because I wasn’t sure I didn’t deserve it. Fortunately I have lived long enough to learn from these mistakes and do better.
Today I go through life mostly forgetting how hard it was back then. Some things I have just gotten used to. Many gay men and women still aren’t free to express their love. How many gay relationships could have been improved or even saved by the freedom to openly show affection?
A life in hiding brought about by shame or fear can lead to broken relationships and unrealized careers. Low self-esteem can lead to self-destructive behavior often involving alcohol, sex, and drugs. I flirted with at least two of these in varying degrees of seriousness but fortunately was always too much of a nerd to actually succeed.
In the end, focusing on the positive has let me live a happy productive life. But it’s probably good to occasionally look back on the negative, not only to be more grateful about the positive, but also to see if there is more that can be done about it.
Originally published as a Facebook Note on November 2, 2018.
My Deep Fried Truth 