I suppose it’s inevitable. Living in these stressful times, there is no way to escape thoughts of our mortality. I don’t think anyone has been untouched. We all know at least one person whose life has been cut short by this pandemic. And we cannot escape the thought that no matter what we do, we too can suffer the same fate.
Less than a generation ago, people talked about famous last words. Whether true or apocryphal, there was no way to find out if such person uttered this or that word on his or her deathbed. But nowadays there will be an undeniable last post. And I hope when I go, my last post will not be about some ill-fitting swim tee or rash guard that I somehow always end up writing about every summer.
Recently I discovered that Facebook allows me to pin a post to the top of my page. It may not literally be my last post but at least it will be the first one you see when you visit my page in the case of my untimely demise. And so I thought if that were the case, is there anything I would want that post to say.
No Day But Today
I have often heard people say that at the end of your life you will regret the chances that you didn’t take or the things that you didn’t do. I tend to disagree.
Any choice closes off infinite other paths and I refuse to play a game of endless speculation. I have regrets but I do not regret roads I have not taken. My regrets are not the “what-ifs” but more the “what-have-I-done,” either in words or in deeds, that I know have truly hurt others.
I may have forgotten many things I have seen and done in my life but not the sad eyes of past loves heartbroken by the revelation of my indiscretions or the faces of ex-colleagues whose spirits I have crushed with vicious profanity. Looking back, all were either clearly unnecessary or unnecessarily cruel, and I would take them back if I could.
The curse words I could pin on an industry I used to work in where it was more or less the norm, at least if you were a superstar, or misguidedly thought you were. Starting a relationship with someone new before breaking up with another was all on me. Maintaining both relationships until I got caught was just plain wrong. And the worst thing I have ever done.
I will not justify my actions and try to soften the blow by saying those were unintentional because in the heat of the moment I probably didn’t care who I hurt, or worse, actually meant to do harm. But I was younger then, quite selfish, and certainly more foolish. And I’m glad I have had all this time to make amends and try to be a better person.
I still believe people are inherently good. And even when we make mistakes we can learn and grow from them. I refuse to be defined by the sins of my youth, and I will give the benefit of the doubt to anyone who says the same.
One Song Before I Go
Whatever I may or may not accomplish in my career, it will come with a footnote that I first heard as I was being introduced in an event I was invited to attend as a keynote speaker.
I nearly choked and forgot what I was planning to say when I heard the introduction — delivered in an excited tone more befitting a rockstar — “Please welcome the first openly gay Filipino chief executive of a top 1000 corporation in the Philippines!”
Nothing I could have said would have lived up to that hype but it emboldened me to be more candid than I had planned. And the pumped-up crowd of LGBT employees in the financial services sector who made up bulk of the audience couldn’t have been more appreciative, perhaps no matter what I said.
But beyond the hype, I cannot cite any individual achievement I can call my own despite what they teach us to put in our resumes and say in our job interviews. I have been a corporate person practically my whole career and anyone who has ever worked for one knows we are all just one piece of a whole.
Back in school, I was one of those classmates who would willingly do the whole group work if it were at all humanly possible. If you were happy to take a risk on a group grade with your name as the only contribution, then we would be a pair made in heaven. I suppose I found it more convenient working on my own time, not having to rely on the output of others or the inconvenient exercise of getting to a consensus.
Growing up gay, realizing I was different from most, and seeing that it was not a difference welcomed by everyone made me value self-reliance more than I should have. Obviously in a world more complicated than school, this attitude can only get one so far.
Sooner or later one will understand that corporate life is working with others. Having been Chief Finance Officer of a publicly listed company without being an accountant, and now Head of Operations of a water utility without being an engineer, I know fully well how it is to be fully reliant on the expertise of people other than myself. Surprisingly I’ve learned to be okay with that.
Measure in Love
Not so long ago, I found the use of the word “love” in the workplace setting a bit cheesy, if not downright off-putting. I figured it was a peculiarity of the entertainment industry which I suppose you could say I was part of, even if I was only in the back office.
Yet today, in an industry as far away from showbiz as I can imagine, in the world of water networks and sewerage systems, I will not hesitate to use the word “love” to describe how I feel about my colleagues. Are people in the utilities industry that much more loveable or has time just made me more sentimental?
I don’t think it’s either. I have been lucky to have worked in companies where people have been inspired to accomplish great things because they believe in the fundamental value of their work. Whether these are companies bringing entertainment and news to the masses, or water and wastewater services to customers in their service areas, the passion of their employees is undeniable.
I believe what has changed is my openness to seeing people beyond their job descriptions. And I feel this has been the result of my opening up to them as well. Yes we still have our own roles to play in the huge machine that is a corporation, but because I no longer fear showing any side of me, I am also much more comfortable understanding the person behind the position.
We are the sum of our strengths and weaknesses, our passions and idiosyncrasies, our pleasures and and our pains. How can we view individuals who overcome adversity, make personal sacrifices, and set aside differences to deliver on a commitment with less than loving eyes?
Many people are uncomfortable expressing how much they love their family and friends. Others prefer to show it than say it. I am fortunate to be able to count friends who have been with me through thick and thin, and a family I would still choose even if they were not a given. We have all been a part of each other’s lives and who we are as individuals is the direct result of that interaction. And if this were indeed to be my last post, I would definitely want to say I love you all.
Finally how can I talk about love and not mention Keith, the love of my life. This year marks our 14th year together, nearly three times as long as my next longest relationship. In many ways, he is both the most like me and the most unlike me of all my partners and yet somehow the combination works.
He may be the most patient and caring of anyone I have ever been with, but he is also no pushover who will indulge every brattish whim. He is the only one who has been able to confront me with the side of me that I don’t want to see, much less acknowledge I have such issues, and has made me want to work on them.
Everything I am today is because I am proud to be his partner and I wanted to tell the whole world. Sharing that truth is the best decision I have ever made in my life. He continues to be my truth and he will be my last word.
My Deep Fried Truth 