Always and Forever

This month, Keith and I celebrate our 15th year as a couple. What looks like it was always meant to be was not always the case. Before Keith, I had six other previous relationships, all lasting at least two years, but none lasting more than five. Coincidentally, I was Keith’s seventh relationship too. Why was our seventh the lucky charm?

Let’s Stay Together

Although we have a lot of common friends going back to the late 1980’s, I first met Keith in 2002 when he and I were still with other partners. I of course noticed he was good looking but didn’t give it a second thought as I was then at the start of a new romance. I met him a couple of times again after that, none noteworthy, except when it was mentioned even before he showed up that he would be with someone new, one much younger than us. That sparked my curiosity but since I was still with my ex I just took note of the news and filed it away.

By the start of 2006 I was single again but was in no hurry to get into a new relationship since I had just moved to a new job and decided to concentrate on my career before working on my personal life. By 2007, I began to get more comfortable with my work and started to meet new people, though none of them for one reason or another really progressed beyond the first date.

On the 4th of October 2007, friends of my ex invited me to join them for dinner at the old Schwarzwalder restaurant in Greenbelt 2. Although I hadn’t been seeing these guys since the break-up, I uncharacteristically joined them since I had then already decided to go out more often. To my surprise, Keith, who was not a regular member of the group, also attended.

It was a fun dinner, as it always was with these guys, with the added bonus of seeing Keith, who now that I was single I could freely appreciate how handsome he was. It was not until we moved to Uva for drinks that I learned that he was also already single. From that moment on, I decided he was a goal I was willing to pursue.

But far from the whirlwind romance I was expecting, I was taken aback that Keith was not initially willing to take the relationship forward. After six prior relationships, with the most recent one just ended, he didn’t want to rush head on to a new one. We nevertheless continued to date and I continued to press my case though this time with my eye open to other prospects in case he never said yes.

On the 10th of November 2007, Keith finally said yes. And he said it in a way, I had never seen or heard anyone else do before or since. He said yes by giving me a ring that had the day’s date, as well as his name, engraved within. Of course he also got a matching ring with the same date and my name instead of his. It was a wild and crazy gesture, and definitely a romantic one.

Less than a month later, we would be living together and have lived together ever since. I can’t say I knew from the start that this was a relationship that was meant to last, but beginning the relationship in our 40’s — I was 42, he was 46 — meant we already knew who we were and what we wanted and it didn’t make sense to play the waiting game. And we also knew there was no point getting together if we were not serious about it from the start.

Years later I would ask him why he responded the way he did and he said that after he knew he was going to say yes he had also decided I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. But you had to have the rings made first, I said. What if I had changed my mind? Then I could always have the rings melted he answered with a mischievous smile. Fortunately for both us there was no need.

Just the Way You Are

Coming into a relationship as individuals who already knew who we were also meant we brought with it years of unquestioned assumptions and learned behaviors that did not always apply to us as a couple. While I don’t think if made our early years rockier than most, it did result in hurt feelings and bruised egos that could have easily been avoided had we trusted each other more than we did our old reliable defenses.

Early this year, a study came out in the US about how people who cohabited with someone else before marrying their partner were more likely to get divorced, probably because they were already used to breaking up. I suppose the same easily applied to us, not only because we had experienced it six times over, but also because the traditional bonds of marriage or having children did not apply to us. During our first few years together, there were a number of times we had fights that resulted in one or both of us nearly walking out on the relationship.

But whether it was due to a sense of maturity that fortunately normally comes with growing older or just the overwhelming desire not to lose each other, we both found ways to overcome what must have caused our previous relationships to end earlier. In my case, I had to learn to be less selfish and be more open to other ideas.

Much as I hate to admit it, if I look back on my past relationships, an argument could be made that I was largely responsible for why they didn’t last. I was generally inflexible and subconsciously expected my partners to see the world as I did. In short I was a brat who was tolerated by many of my previous partners until they couldn’t take it anymore.

Keith never gave me that slack. From the beginning he confronted me, though not always immediately, if he thought my behavior was not acceptable. This forced me not only to be more mindful of my words and my actions but also to be more considerate of his world view.

This did not mean I was always wrong or that he was always right, but we knew we had to make an effort to understand where each of us was coming from. Equally important we learned we had an obligation to communicate so that understanding would be more forthcoming.

Of course this doesn’t mean we are now always in sync. On the contrary we are less likely to agree for the sake of agreeing. But we accept it when we’re not in sync and just let it go. After fifteen years we know there will always be differences but where it matters we are one.

Have I Told You Lately

Although we have friends who have been together longer than we have, we still appreciate what a rare gift it is to celebrate fifteen years together. It was not too long ago that I even hesitated posting about our 5th anniversary for fear of jinxing it. I guess I can now be excused for making a big deal about the 15th.

In the beginning I was not really big on anniversaries. For some reason, it was not something my previous partners and I had celebrated. I did not keep a record of when we first met, our first date, or when we officially became a couple. I don’t even recall ever going out on an anniversary date or getting anyone an anniversary card, much less a gift.

So you can imagine how embarrassed I felt when Keith gave me a gift-wrapped package on our first anniversary, when I didn’t even manage to make reservations on where to eat. And I had no excuse considering Keith was the kind of person who regularly noted our “monthsary.” His disappointed face at the time is something I will never forget. Needless to say, I quickly learned my lesson and over the years have begun to appreciate the joy of celebrating these milestones.

Far from taking things for granted, I cherish each year added to our life as a couple. I know how fortunate we are not only to have found each other, but have family, friends, and colleagues who celebrate our love. Nevertheless, much as I hold on to the hope, I’m realistic enough not to expect gay marriage, or even same-sex unions, to ever be legalized in this country.

There are many things in life that we cannot control. So we make the most of the things we can to ensure we keep our love alive, from maintaining regular date nights to exchanging small tokens or gestures of appreciation. Nothing is irrelevant. Everything counts.

One habit we’ve maintained through the years is to regularly end our messages with the sentence “I love you very much.” It can get ridiculous especially when the message is for day-to-day tasks such as “Please buy Pablo dogfood. I love you very much.” But we like knowing that what ever happens, our last words would always be an expression of how much we mean to each other.

And this is no exception. Thank you Keith for the precious gift of your love. I cannot imagine who or how I would be if I hadn’t met you and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you. Cheers to fifteen years. I love you very much. ❤️